Saturday, May 21, 2011

A New Normal

Normally, I don't delve into my personal life too much on here, mainly because Jordan hates when I talk about him online. But I have something to get out and it's best not to let your demons fester inside of you.

I'm sure most of you know Jordan was in the Marines and had 2 combat deployments to Iraq. The first from January to August of 2007 and the second from April to October of 2008 and he missed the birth of Rosslyn.

When he got back from his first deployment, he had to go get checked out at deployment health and it was then when he was diagnosed with PTSD. The first deployment was tough on him, I think the second one was tougher though because it was after that when the real problems started arising.

Ever since we started dating, Jordan always had some bit of crowd anxiety, like when we would go out to eat at a restaurant, he would barely eat any of his food for some reason. Then after he got out of boot camp, that problem lessened. Now, it's all I can do to see if he'll go out and eat.

But back to after second deployment, he went back to deployment health, got evaluated and was sent to a psychiatrist who gave him prescriptions for sleeping pills and anti-depressants, both of which he filled but never took a single one. He believes that as Americans, we're too dependent on pills as cure-alls. He was always passionate when we got into fights but that year, it seemed like everything was amplified. Throwing things, kicking doors, etc. I thought he was just upset but now I realize it was his PTSD. On his post-deployment leave in 2007, we were up at his cousin's cabin after spending a day on the lke and they wanted to cap the night with fireworks. So Jordan and his cousin Steven, also a former Marine but not a grunt, were to set them off and they were lighting them and they started popping off and he said it was like he flashed back to Iraq. Ok, so fireworks are out of the picture. Then, during summer 2009, stupid me decided it would be a great idea to take a combat vet and 1 year old to a WWII reenactment. That just spelled disaster.

In the year and a half since he's gotten out, his PTSD comes and goes. He manages it really well by just displacing himself from the situation. He will never be able to go to fireworks on Independence Day again, and a trip to walmart or the mall is almost completely out of the question. I understand this and try to be accepting as I can but it does hurt that when I want a family outing, I practically have to beg. And I try not to make him feel too guilty for it. I know now that on certain things, I just have to do them with me and the girls.

He has definitely changed since going to war but I have accepted this life now, my new normal.

6 love notes:

Tiffany said...

Shea there are so many families dealing with the same issues you are. You may have accepted this way of life as a "new nomral" and thats ok, but know that there is help outside of medications. Has the thought about seeing a Psychiatrist regularly, and continuing to opt out of medications completely? The VA provides sessions free of charge, and they'll compensate your husband monthly for his combat injury (the ptsd).

Kendra said...

It takes a strong woman to deal with that day in and day out. Just keep reminding yourself that you are an amazing strong woman.
Does he have a hobby? Maybe that could be something he could focus on when things get difficult for him. I mean I know he is gamer hehe but he could do something else as well. Just a thought :) I do agree with what Tiffany said about him maybe seeing a Psychiatrist. Being able to talk to someone outside of family and friends might as well.
Again hugs

Shea Posey said...

I talked about seeing a psychiatrist but he kept saying why does he need someone to tell him what's wrong with him when they don't know what he's done or what he's been through. I know he rates PTSD for disability. But I think whebn he went to get evaluated, he didn't mention it. He's got too much pride to admit that there's anything wrong with him.I guess that's one downside of the Marines, how much pride they instill in you.

Briemarie said...

My husband has not yet, and may never be, deployed. Yet I see these same things in him, too. And it breaks my heart because (this sounds awful) I want to yell at him "YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE TO BE THIS DEPRESSING AND A SPACE CASE!" I hear tales of marines like your husband and I just get ANGRY at mine all of a sudden.

I hope that there is a chance your husband can recover from it. It appears mine is just a douche. :/

Yanick said...

D is kinda the same way about crowds, I mean he'll got to the mall and the movies though but for a purpose he just cant go just to go. Or if we do go the the mall I have to gauge him enough so he isnt to jittery. Even going to the park with the boys it cant be too crowed...& he wont return phone calls from the VA and he'll miss appointments. It sucks. I wish I would have known what I know now and maybe I would have been more understanding we could have still been together maybe. We arent together but when we together for the kids or just to hang it I can tell the difference and I wish he would take it more seriously than "I dont like crowds, maybe another time".

It's not unusual to be loved by anyone said...

Hey Shea..i guess it's really hard to deal with it and noone can understand what happens there and how much it stresses him. Maybe he just needs some time and support to get through this. I would ask every now and then if he's ok with seeing a psychiatrist ...and maybe add that you can go with him . Your kids will get bigger and they want him to go to fairs or shopping to walmart...and he would be missing all of this experiences .HUGS